Ep. 15 My Spouse Has Left Me for Someone Else

Shows Main Idea – Though I am dealing with a husband who left a wife for another woman, you can change the genders in this podcast, and the content will apply to the husband who has lost his wife.

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Show Notes

Here is a flattened out and slightly edited email from the wife:

My husband moved out a while ago and into the home of another woman that he had been “dating” behind my back. He has filed for divorce because I told him I would not agree to a dissolution of our marriage. It has been a multi-decade battle for us and a long, long story.

I hung on through the years always trying to help him (or so I thought). Now we’re at the end and I don’t think I truly trusted Christ until he left me. Please pray for us. Thank you for your ministry that always directs us back to the sufficiency of Christ.

In Him,

(Hurting Wife)

Caveat – I don’t want you to spend too much time on point #1 below, but mostly to think of it as a cautionary warning for others who are not yet where you are. Your story, as horrible as it is, should be a sober call to many other marriages that are not properly modeling Christ and His church (Ephesians 5:32).

As for you, if you spend too much time thinking about what he has done wrong it could prove to be soul-damaging, while casting you into a ditch of despair (Psalm 42:5). Points 2-8 is where I’d recommend you spend your time.

1 – Hypocrisy: “Everybody likes ‘Raymond’ but he was never real.”

• What you saw was the tip of the iceberg.
• Not being transparent with each other is a common marriage problem.

2 – Attitude: “I struggle daily with having the right attitude.”

• That will never stop. Your attitudes will shift and change, but some form of the struggle will remain, even if a faint echo.
• Fight for soul stability in the context of your friends.
• Practice gratitude. For everything (1 Thessalonians 5:18).

3 – Sovereignty: The “why” question. “I never thought I’d be in this place.”

• Must deal with this head on. It’s a thing.
• Must let your Bible inform you, not your oscillating thoughts. Bad thoughts lead to bad emotions.
• You must fixate on God because He is working in your life.

Two helpful articles

• How to Take Every Thought Captive
• Emotional Problems Are Thinking Problems

4 – Awareness: “I have now come to the place of seeing my sin in the marriage.”

• Examine your faults, but do not throw yourself in a ditch.
• Repent of what you need to repent from and let it go.
• Possibly confess and seek forgiveness from your spouse. Be careful: Each situation is different.

5 – Children: “My child still loves him; she does not know what he has done.”

• They will love him–at least while they are young.
• Paint a portrait of Christ with your life.
• Guard your heart and tongue regarding how you talk about him.

6 – Prayers: “I want to rain fire and brimstone down on them.”

• Pray that his path will be hard, that he will come to an end of himself (Luke 15:17).
• Pray for the Lord to turn his heart (Proverbs 21:1). Pray for other people too. It will help them and it will help you to reach beyond your suffering.
• Pray for other people too. It will help them and it will help you to reach beyond your suffering.

7 – Care: “I need a lot of help.”

• Surround yourself with good friends.
• Take care of yourself physically and spiritually.
• Care for others. It will push you out of yourself and into the two great commandments (Matthew 20:37-39).

8 – Expect: “The good Lord will take care of you.”

• Never forget that God is working good in your life (Romans 8:28). You may not be able to see it now, but you will experience it in the future (Job 42:10). Never lose hope.

Rick Thomas

Rick Thomas leads a training network for Christians to assist them in becoming more effective soul care providers. RickThomas.Net reaches people around the world through consulting, training, podcasting, writing, counseling, and speaking.

In 1990 he earned a BA in Theology, and in 1991 he received a BS in Education. In 1993 he was ordained into Christian ministry, and in 2000 he graduated with an MA in Counseling from The Master’s University in Santa Clarita, CA. In 2006 he was recognized as a Fellow of the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors (ACBC).