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Rick, my husband won’t lead. What am I to do? I have tried everything. I’ve left lists on the counter, sent emails, called to followup, but nothing seems to work. My question to you is should I just do everything or let some things slide? I really do not know how to respond to him anymore. Help!!
The most common marriage counseling issue I have encountered is the passive male syndrome (PMS). It is so far ahead of number two that I’m not sure what number two is.
This is a huge struggle for some wives, which can lead to bitterness and other forms of anger. I’m going to mention three things a wife should never do and then give some practical things to consider that may help their marriage.
But first, two obvious keys when someone is asking how to change another person:
Disrespect – Your husband was placed in your life by God and you made a covenant when you married him. You guys are not two people, but one flesh in the sight of God. To disrespect him is to disrespect God. Guard your heart against disrespect when you think about him, talk to him, or talk about him.
…let the wife see that she respects her husband. – Ephesians 5:33
BTW, being silent about your marriage is not respecting your spouse. Similar to being silent about your physical problems is not respecting your body, if you are silent about your “one flesh problems” then you are disrespecting your marriage. There is a way to talk about your problems.
Nag – I’m sure you knew I was going to say this. Don’t do it. Enough said.
Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives—when they see your respectful and pure conduct.” – 1 Peter 3:1-2
Slander – This is one of the easier ways to sin against your husband. As mentioned, there is a way to talk about him “behind his back.” Gossip or slander is not the way to do it.
Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. – Ephesians 4:31-32
Gospel – The first thing to do is remind yourself of the Gospel. The Gospel is a multi-faceted perspective. I’ll only mention one aspect here: patience. Christ modeled patience (and still does) with you (Romans 5:8).
Consider what you did to Christ and how He always responds to you. Let the patience of Christ calm your heart as you think about your husband, specifically what he is not doing for the family. Love is patient (1Corinthians 13:4).
May the Gospel level the playing field in your home by giving you a proper perspective on yourself and your husband.
Prayer – Your best advice is to pray. Pray for your husband and pray for yourself. I know you know this but are you doing this? Ask God to guard your heart, while giving you practical strategies to serve your husband. Also, pray for God to do a masterful work in your husband’s heart.
The king’s heart is a stream of water in the hand of the LORD; he turns it wherever he will. – Proverbs 21:1
Kindness – It was God’s kindness that changed you. His kindness, as demonstrated through the death of His Son, motivated you to change. Paul reminded you of this when he said,
Or do you presume on the riches of his kindness and forbearance and patience, not knowing that God’s kindness is meant to lead you to repentance? – Romans 2:4
Appeal – I’m sure you’ve already done this but it needs to be mentioned. Choose civil (non-fight) times to talk to him. As you do this, affirm your love and affection for him. Then ask him if he would be willing to help you with some of the chores.
Authority – There is a greater Authority above your husband that you can appeal to if your husband will not respond to you. You’re not a doormat. You’re not without recourse.
After you have gone to him in the spirit of Matthew 18:15-17 and he is unwilling to change, then you have the biblical mandate from God to go to the leadership of your church. Appeal to them to help you. Do not hesitate. God’s community is a means of grace to help you. This is one way you can respect your husband.
Practical – Then there is the matter of undone chores. What should you do?
1 – Quite frankly, do as many things as you can while trusting God to sustain you until your marriage problems are rectified, if rectification is God’s pleasure.
2 – Do not attempt to be a superwoman. Do what you can to manage the household to serve your husband and your children. Do not attempt the impossible. You may have to live with untidiness. Some things will fall through the cracks.
3 – The important thing is how you model the Gospel to your children. Your husband may always fail at being a biblical husband but that does not mean you have to fail at being a biblical woman (Ephesians 5:1; 1 Corinthians 11:1)
4 – Be pneumatic: walk in the Spirit. Ask the Spirit to illuminate you (step-by-step) about how to respond to each opportunity, each undone chore.
5 – Find a girlfriend that can come alongside you to help you guard your heart. You’re welcome to jump into our community.
Take a look at the fruit in your life to see if it looks like these: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.
How are you doing with these?
Rick launched this training network in 2008 to provide life-changing resources that equip Christians to help others. His primary responsibilities are resource creation and leadership development, which he does through speaking, writing, podcasting, and educating.
In 1990 he earned a BA in Theology, and in 1991 he received a BS in Education. In 1993 he was ordained into Christian ministry, and in 2000 he graduated with an MA in Counseling from The Master’s University in Santa Clarita, CA. In 2006 he was recognized as a Fellow of the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors (ACBC).