Shows Main Idea – My wife regularly uses unkind words to hurt me. I’ve made mistakes, but there are no amount of things I can do to change the past or win her favor. Our struggles have been going on for two decades. I’ve confessed my sins and asked for forgiveness, but she seems not to know how to be kind to me, though she is kind to nearly everyone else. What is her core problem? And what else can I do to help her?
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- Supporting members, find all our infographics here.
- Supporting members, find all our mind maps here.
- Supporting members, find all our webinars here.
It is imperative that you understand your wife so you can help her. The infographic and mind map will help you understand the ruling motives of her heart, how her thoughts are captivated by influences other than Christ (2 Corinthians 10:3-6). Rather than focusing on what you feel or what you’re not getting from her, you must make it about her sanctification. More than likely what controls her predates your relationship with her.
Read my article on how to take your thoughts captive
You don’t want to make things worse for her. You have by your actions. None of us are perfect. Now it’s time to think surgically. Ask the Spirit of God to illuminate your mind about what is going on with her. Think beyond the surface of your marriage. Ask God’s favor as you serve your wife. Ten or twenty years of heart entanglements do not ordinarily unravel in short seasons. You will have to work the long game.
Breaking Down the Graphics
Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted. Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. – Galatians 6:1-2
- Do not give her any more ammunition.
- When you do fail, always clean up your mess through biblical repentance. (Read this article to understand the order of and process for repentance fully.)
- Do not repay evil for evil.
- When you do fail, see #2 above.
- Infographic: Understand the root of the problem.
- Her fruit (words) reveals her heart.
- Unkindness is anger. See James 4:1-10
- Repeated anger leads to bitterness.
- Repeated anger comes from a heart of unforgiveness.
- Unforgiveness stems from a practical lack of understanding the Gospel.
- Mind Map: Understand the progression to unkind words
- Un-Gospel – Whenever Christ is not the ruling motive of your heart, you’re going to act badly.
- Shame/guilt – People who sin are compensating for the unresolved, masked guilt and shame in their lives.
- Fear – Without God as the governing protector of your life, fear takes hold of you.
- Self-righteousness – People who feel bad about themselves tend to compare themselves to and judge others.
- Unforgiveness – After you elevate yourself above someone, you can do unkind things to them and your exalted (self-righteous) self-evaluation of yourself compels you to never repent.
- Unkindness – You can now act any way you desire toward someone who is inferior to you.
- Side Effects: What happens to your conscience if you don’t change
- Bitterness – Unresolved anger turns to bitterness
- Alleviation – You will soothe your conscience by creating bad habits, e.g., spending money, eating, binge TV.
- Justification – You will make yourself believe you are not guilty.
- Rationalization – You will compare your behaviors to others, even the person you’re angry with, and let yourself off the hook.
- Blame – You’ll excuse your behaviors by accusing others.
- Hard heart – You conscience (inner voice) will become dull until you feel no conviction from God about what you’re doing.
- Gospel: The solution is by resolving the ineffective relationship you have with Christ.
There is a reason this kind of person refuses to allow Christ to have full reign over her life. Maybe she is afraid of giving up control of her life to God. Maybe she is disappointed in God (Christianity). Perhaps she does not know how to do this. Typically, if a person is not allowing Christ full control of her life, the hindrance has something to do with fear, anger, and ignorance.