Ep. 439 How to Help a Teen with a Porn Problem

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How do you help a teen with a porn problem? This podcast discusses the issue with porn and how to help anyone struggling with addiction. One of our members asked a specific question, “I’ve had the opportunity lately to counsel a teenage boy struggling with pornography. He is aware of the inappropriate, sinful nature of this and has displayed some guilt and remorse. The parents want to be involved in helping him through this. The dad is a stepdad.”

You may want to read:

• You Just Caught Your Child Using Porn, What Are You to Do?
• Twelve Addictive and Soul-Capturing Reasons Men Enjoy Porn
• When Looking for Pornography, Start in the Heart

Member’s Questions

1. What appropriate passages of Scripture will resonate with the teenager?
2. Will you provide some parameters I can use to provide help and hope for this family?
3. Should the parents be involved in the counseling?
4. What steps should I take to help this young man gain freedom from this snare?

Question One

I will answer the first question and then combine your final three queries afterward. You asked, “What appropriate Scripture passages will resonate with the teenager?”

• I have no idea what Scriptures to share with the teen; I have not met him. I know nothing about him.
• Be pneumatic: Luke 12:11-12.
• Don’t go into counseling with predetermined Scriptures in mind because you may “force” your questions into a unique situation that you have yet to learn.
• I will share verses in this episode—generally speaking—but regarding the teen you’re serving, you must talk to God about what Scripture you want to share.
• Then you want to speak with this teen, asking many micro and macro questions. Then talk to God some more.
• Analogy: I would not want my doctor to predetermine what he would say to me before meeting me.

Final Three Questions

As for your final three questions, I’m combining them into six categories: conviction, parents, worship, sin, habits, and community.

1: Conviction

His confession must be more than what you know already. When a significant sin problem becomes public knowledge, typically, the person only confesses what everyone knows. However, if there is genuine conviction, you’ll sense a teachable spirit wanting to come clean: he’ll share more than you know.

Part of this process will be distinguishing between worldly sorrow and godly sorrow.

Four common aspects of worldly sorrow:

• Self-pity: “I can’t believe I did this.”
• Personal embarrassment: “What will others think about me?”
• Shameful regret: “I will never be able to forget what I have done.”
• Unbelieving guilt: “I can’t forgive myself.”

Five common aspects of godly sorrow:

• He’ll be turning from loathing to longing to experience change.
• He’ll turn from rejecting God’s authority over his life to embracing God’s rulership.
• He’ll turn from bad company to good companions.
• He’ll turn from being proud to being humble: teachable.
• He’ll turn from damage control to full disclosure.

Five Examining Questions

• Is he longing to change?
• Is he embracing God’s authority?
• Is he pursuing good companions?
• Is he teachable?
• Is he fully disclosing the problem?

2: Parents

Teen problems are parenting problems too. I’m not accusing or saying the parents are responsible. But “no man is an island.” It would be disingenuous to suggest a child can live with parents for fifteen years and the parents not affecting them for good or evil.

• You want to discern how these parents, plus the stepdad, have shaped the child. You’re not accusing but examining.
• You want to make sure you don’t become the surrogate parent. You want to help the child and parents; your goal is to hand him off to the parents. They have a role to play, and you want them to take responsibility and finish the job, so you’ll have to equip them to do this.
• Are the parents examining themselves first (Matthew 7:3-5)? When our children sin, I want to examine my role in what happened before dealing with what the child did. For example,
  • Do they have a romantic home? This child should know what a wholesome relationship looks like from observing his parents. Porn is fake romance, a replacement for the genuine thing.
  • Does this home practice instant gratification? Porn is that; it circumvents what God says is good by trying to “gain good sinfully.” Have they spoiled this child?
  • Do they have a communicative home? Porn is not about talking but about sensuality and arousal. How do the parents talk to each other?
  • Do the parents discourage the child? How have they been an encouragement to him? Porn can be a way to feel better about yourself because you live in a hostile and critical environment.
  • Does this child have a “small soul?” Refer to my podcast on character and capacity issues.

Finally, you want to talk about the child having a stepdad.

• What happened to his bio father?
• How does the “rejection element” of losing his bio dad impact him?
• How do interchangeable fathers influence how he thinks about God the Father?

3: Worship

The child has a worship disorder. We worship what we believe in as we move toward that “worthy object,” hoping it will provide what we crave. He sees porn as the object of his worship. More precisely, there is something that porn offers him that he desires.

But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death (James 1:14-15).

The most important question you’ll have to discern is this child’s problem with God. He has a deeply rooted theological problem. He deliberately chooses another “god” to give him what he wants rather than trusting the true and living God.

4: Sin

There are three ways to overcome sin: amputation (Matthew 5:30), mortification (Romans 8:13), and limitation (Hebrews 122).

• Amputation: What physical and behavioral things does he need to amputate: social media, improper sleep patterns, friends, music, etc.?
• Mortification: He must “put to death” what is happening in his heart, leading back to his worship disorder—his deeply rooted theological problem with God.
• Limitation: These are non-sin issues, but they are sinful to him because they hinder his walk with the Lord. E.g., phone, TV, internet, friends, etc.

You want to dig into Paul’s template for changing our lives:

To put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness (Ephesians 4:22-24).

• You will need to “get into his mind” to learn about his deceitful desires and corrupted ideas to help him change into a Christlike person. Perhaps he’s not a believer, which would be the first call to action.
• Address the theater of his mind where he acts out his cravings for power, control, approval, and acceptance. He’s living out a fantasy through the portal of porn.

5: Habits

There are two elements of habits to consider:

• Things he can control: he can walk away from them if he wants to do so.
• Other habits are so habituated that they control him. See Galatians 6:1. You’ll need to discover those trigger points that trip him, where he automatically falls into those traps.

6: Community

Four elements that makeup good companions

• A humble community: He needs a group of folks who care about others, not themselves.
• A transparent community: He wants friends who want to be honest and walk in humility.
• A place of lifetime help: Because of the habituations, he must plan to live in the right community long-term, even after you discontinue meeting with him.
• A place to serve others: Porn use is all about serving himself. He needs a heart that bends toward serving others.

Call to Action

1. Your homework assignment is straightforward. Please find out all the questions that I have asked you regarding the teen, parents, stepdad, his friends, and habits.
2. Secondly, please think through an action plan for the teen. You will gather more information as you speak with him and them, so consider what I have said here as a building block for your strategies.
3. Finally, don’t try to accomplish all of this in a couple of sessions. Be patient. Prioritize what seems most vital now, make your plans, and lean into the Spirit as He directs your path. Be ready to pivot.

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Rick Thomas

Rick launched the Life Over Coffee global training network in 2008 to bring hope and help for you and others by creating resources that spark conversations for transformation. His primary responsibilities are resource creation and leadership development, which he does through speaking, writing, podcasting, and educating.

In 1990 he earned a BA in Theology and, in 1991, a BS in Education. In 1993, he received his ordination into Christian ministry, and in 2000 he graduated with an MA in Counseling from The Master’s University. In 2006 he was recognized as a Fellow of the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors (ACBC).