One of the most common complaints that I have heard during marriage counseling has been along the lines of, “He is not the person that I married.”
You may want to read:
- Sex Before Marriage Leads to a Trail of Tears
- A Girl Kissing a Boy is Different From a Boy Kissing a Girl
- I Need Advice About My Boyfriend’s Temptation
While it is true that people change as a normal course of aging, there is also another angle to this problem that I want to interact with here: dating couples lack careful assessment and outside input about getting married. Without sound biblical advice, love blinds, and if it does, there is a good chance the pair will be set up for a lifetime of disappointment.
As you read, my appeal is for you to ask the Spirit of God to illuminate your mind and remove anything that hinders you from benefiting from the content of this chapter.
- Be open.
- Be honest.
- Be humble.
Try to read without the conflicting distractions of your desires and experiences. Momentarily die to yourself. Read as though this chapter was not about you. I’m asking you to think in the most biblically objective way that you can. Perhaps it would be helpful if you read as though you were thinking about a friend.
What if you pretend you are going to give “counsel” to your friend? What would you tell her after reading this chapter? I’m going to share with you some of the leading causes of marriage problems that have their roots in the dating relationship.
I’m not dealing with every possible angle of the dating relationship. But I do want to highlight four major red flags that should cause a pause in any girl’s heart regarding her boyfriend.
- Sexual Activity Before Marriage
- Stealing the Heart of the Girl
- What You Should Like About Him
- Become a Good Sovereigntist
Sexual Activity Before Marriage
Most of my marital counseling has been with couples who had consensual sex before they were married. And though their pre-marriage fornication does not represent all of their problems, you typically see a constellation of sinful patterns associated with their infidelity.
I talked about this in the last chapter: Sex Before Marriage Leads to a Trail of Tears. Here is a paraphrase:
Fornication is usually mishandled, and thus not resolved. They may mask the problem, but never truly ignore it. If there is not biblical repentance, the long-term residual effects that arise from premarital sex are difficult to overcome.
Sin is real, and you must deal with it in biblical ways. If you have fornicated, you have to choose if you’re going to confront this sin directly. Do not try to use denials, justifications, or rationalizations. You cannot fool sin.
Sin will extract a payment from someone. It must. It’s an unalterable law: sin requires a payment, which is the triumph and glory of Christ’s death on the cross. Jesus paid for your sins, and you may repent and accept the payment He made by His death on the cross.
If you have fooled around with your guy during the dating season, you are guilty before God, regardless if you went all the way. Let’s not play games here. Don’t try to deceive yourself by rounding the corners of your sin by saying, “We didn’t go all the way.” That’s deception. You know this. I know this. If you have sinned, I appeal to you to own it. Bring it to the light.
Though there are many things to say about sex before marriage, my main point is that if a man is willing to touch you, fondle you, rub you, or have sex with you, he lacks good sense and self-control. He is weak mentally, emotionally, and lacks biblical integrity and maturity. The Bible would call him a fool.
(It would benefit you to find every reference in the book of Proverbs about a fool, foolish, foolishness or folly.)
Do not think your boyfriend will all of a sudden grow up after you marry him. If he is willing to crawl across the Word of God to get his lust-filled hands on you, do you believe he will show more self-control and less selfishness after he ties the knot?
If he is willing to defraud you and sin against God while he is on his best dating behavior, how do you think he is going to behave when he begins to presume on the relationship during your marriage? His current weaknesses will play out in many other areas of your future lives.
It is right and wise to assess him. Ask God to give you the clarity to observe other contexts where he is not behaving maturely. If you don’t work through this now, within five years of your marriage, you will not respect him and you will more than likely feel trapped in your marriage.
- Has he touched you in any way that is inappropriate?
- If so, why did it happen?
- If so, why do you think he did it?
- What is wrong with his character if he is willing to defraud you this way?
- In what other ways do you see selfishness play out in his life?
- Will you let your parents, pastors or primary authority caregivers know what happened?
Stealing the Heart of the Girl
It is not that difficult to take a young lady’s heart. It is easier today than ever before. Girls are pre-wired by God to be captured and whisked away to an enchanted place by their knight in shining armor. All they need is a knight, and for some girls, any knight will do.
In today’s culture, because of the dysfunction of the parental/male role model, many girls are not only wired and ready to go, but they are angrily wired and are counting the days until they can do life on their terms, in their way, with whomever they desire. They can’t wait to carve out a better life with a better male, a better male than their previous experience with their fathers.
Insecure guys will dangle the marriage bait before the girl, and if she is insecure, angry, or desperate, she will probably take it. The immature man will do this instead of talking to her dad, pastor, or some other male authority in the girl’s life. His first order of business is to get the girl rather than ask the parent for the girl.
Heart stealing is an unwise, immature, secretive agenda that can have a long-term negative impact on your future marriage. This method of getting the girl is hard to repair. Typically, a wrong-footed beginning is how the relationship will continue unless God’s grace intervenes. Without biblical repentance, a bad start will make for a challenging future.
If you allow him to persist in this type of pre-conquest ritual of sensual advances and marriage talk without proper accountability and counsel, you may be well on your way to giving in and eventually becoming disillusioned.
- Was your heart stolen away or given away?
- Are you currently allowing him to take your heart?
- Who is carefully and wisely walking you through these things?
- Do you believe you are subjective in evaluating this relationship?
- What authority structures do you have in your life to help you think clearly?
- Are you aware how the decisions you are making today will impact the rest of your life?
What You Should Like About Him
At some point, someone will ask you what you like about him. What will you say? Is it his personality, looks, work ethic, or how he treats you? While these things are not bad things, they are not the best things.
- As he ages, his personality will drastically change.
- His looks will decline.
- His physical ability and the economy will have a lot to do with his work ethic.
- How he treats you will also change in the coming years.
As your future husband changes, there must be one thing that changes for the better. If he loves the Lord God with all his heart, soul, mind, and strength, his personality, looks, work ethic, and how he treats you will find submission to this transcending quality.
You must have full assurance that God is the point of your relationship rather than your boyfriend. Observe his life. Who is leading? You will know your answer by how he navigates your relationship. If your boyfriend is humble, submitted, and passionately following the leadership of Sovereign God, you are probably in a good place.
- How is he doing in loving God with his whole heart, mind, soul, and strength?
- How submitted is he to your parents, his parents, and his church?
- How active is he in the local church?
- How often does he confess his sins to you and others?
- What is his working knowledge and application ability of the Bible?
- Is he ready to be a father nine months from now?
This last question is an important one. If you were married today, it is possible you could be parents in nine months. Do you believe he is mature enough to hold down a job, take care of you, run a home, and father a child at this point in his life?
Become a Good Sovereigntist
- Has God told you to marry this person? How do you know?
- Why does God want you to marry this person?
- Why do you want to marry this person?
- What is your point and purpose in marrying this person?
- Are you in faith? Meaning, do you believe this is God’s will for your life? Why did you answer that way?
- If your boyfriend became a paraplegic tomorrow and was wheelchair-bound for the rest of his life, would you still believe you are to marry him?
Do you have any doubt? If you answered “yes” or gave affirmative answers to this section, what if you broke up and waited another year before you married him? If you are assured God wants you to marry this person, even if he became a paraplegic tomorrow, why don’t you wait a year to see if he is the right guy for you?
I’m not asking you to do this. I’m challenging you to think deeply about one of the most important decisions you’ll ever make. If God wants you to marry this person, no power on earth can stop you from marrying him.
You will marry him, whether it is tomorrow, a year from now, or five years from now. Why do you have to marry him now? Be honest with your answer. Again, I’m not saying don’t marry him now. I’m merely challenging your faith about moving forward.
For whatever does not proceed from faith is sin. – Romans 14:23
Do you doubt? If you have any doubts about any of the questions I have asked you thus far or if anything in this chapter has caused you to pause, I appeal to you to put the relationship and possible marriage on hold.
Walk away from it. Seek counsel. Make sure your heart is right before God. Remember, if God wants you to marry this guy, you will marry him.
So why sweat it?
Take a break.
Regain clarity especially if you guys have been sexually inappropriate. Clear your heads and cool your jets. God is good, and He will take care of you, but if you persist in your way, He may let you choose a path to future disappointment.
Call to Action
I have asked you over thirty questions in this chapter. Will you go back and highlight and answer them over the next few weeks? As you do, will you talk to someone you respect and trust, and who has the biblical wisdom, grace, and courage to not only assess your answers but biblically confront you in love–if you need confrontation?
If your dad is available, will you talk to him? A few weeks of biblical reflection is a small price to pay when the rest of your life is at stake.
Also published on Medium.