- February 23, 2020 at 7:13 pm #408328
I’m new here, I have heard of this ministry from wretched radio and have always found the information to be useful.
I have been struggling in my life in, what seems to be, trusting God. I have had many issues in my walk but have made it this far. I however have a recurring issue that I seem to never overcome.
A little bit of background into my life to maybe help paint this picture. I had a daughter when I was young (19) and have raised her on my own since she was 1. She is now 13 and she’s becoming a sweet, young lady. She has many of my qualities in her personality so the struggle that I have makes me scared that I won’t be able to help her through these issues if I am unable get through them myself.
My entire life I have always felt different, like I could never connect with people. I understand them but it never felt like they would get what I felt or they never wanted to learn. So, I have always felt lonely in my life. My daughter’s mom was married to me for 1 year before she abandoned both of us. I have struggled to find someone to be with because of the issue mentioned above, or due to me living in a small town with 0 women my age that are believers. My feelings lie with the problem with connecting with people.
In this area, I have felt like something is wrong with me. I have prayed for God to have someone to call my wife that would serve our God with. Someone to lead as a godly man would. Someone to be my helper. Someone to let me be a good husband to. It has always been a strong desire to have that special person in my life. (An aside – I have even tried recently form a relationship with someone that was much younger than me and not strong believer. This fell into sin and now I’m dealing with her ending it because she felt me moved fast and she wasn’t sure if she wanted it – it terrified her to be pressured into staying. This situation has made me fall into the same place of begging God to help me not feel lonely and to trust that He is at work in this area.
I can see how it has consumed my thinking into being depressed when everyone else in my life have been able to find someone. Being in church and seeing everyone married. I have worked hard to be the best dad to my daughter and done my best to fulfill two roles. And lately it’s been rough – my daughter is now a young woman.
A little bit more information on what I have going on. I have lived in the same small town I was born in. I have tried many times to leave but can see clearly that God has me here as everything I have done has only been a way to keep me here.
I feel God has me here. He is having me stay single for the time being. I do see that He has allowed me to make choices but wisdom and His hand has shown to be here, right now. My problem is how do I trust Him in this? I am at my wits end trying to handle this life as it has been going. I am a boss in the department I run. I have put myself through college and am now going for my master’s. I have made a good life for my daughter with God’s blessing but I have this large luck in my life. It feels so shameful to be like this for so long. I am not unattractive. I have what women would want in a man. But why is this happening? How do I trust God in this? I feel so lonely. I serve and had served Him for years while feeling so lonely. The time I had in that relationship made me forget it for a while but it didn’t last. But it wasn’t a God-centered relationship as it should’ve been. I feel so compelled by the little happiness it gave me that I am tempted to beg her to keep trying. But it’ll only push her further away.
I keep praying for wisdom but I do it have the understanding. Please give me correction where needed. I apologize for the grammar and spelling. Typing a long message on a phone is a little difficult.
Thanks for any help!February 23, 2020 at 7:46 pm #408331MattParticipant
While you are waiting for a team member to respond, I would recommend reading this in the mean time. I think it’s critical for you to answer the question Rick asks about the three “file drawers”.
Blessings!February 24, 2020 at 11:00 am #408352
I am glad you are here! When I read through your post, my heart went out to you. Thank you for stepping up as a single parent, raising your daughter, and earnestly working at being a good father. Single parenting requires extra grace and strength from the Lord. How have you sought support from your church community in this role? Do you have family or a friend who is a godly, mature woman to become a friend and mentor to your daughter? In my family, we have lacked godly, involved grandparents. I have watched over the years as God has provided sweet grandparent blessings from folks outside of our family.
I see, Jgamboa, that you are wrestling with whether to believe God. In your conflict with whether to trust Him with your singleness, your desire for marriage has been set above your relationship with God. Idolizing marriage, or any other friendship, puts your worship onto another person and causes you to look to them for your identity. This sin hinders your walk and calls for repentance; remember He is merciful and kind, and His desires are for your good and His glory.
Matt gave you a great article about making Christ your greatest treasure. I am going to link another article below. Will you read each one intentionally and honestly work through the action items at the end so you can begin to reshape your thinking, refocus your worship, and find contentment? And, come back here to ask more questions. We are here for you, friend.February 24, 2020 at 8:03 pm #408387
Matt, thanks for the article. It has been a very challenging topic that I’m trying to get my mind wrapped around. Having to take thoughts captive to be obedient to Christ is something I never considered to be a conscious effort on my part and requires me to be forceful with what I allow to dwell in there. I will ponder this more. Right now I feel quite broken so keeping focus on things has become difficult at the moment. Perhaps this is Gods timing to get me to start, as that is what I intend to do.
I see how this practice requires me to be in a constant meditation in the word in order to keep it in my heart. Something that I have been lacking as I have grown weak in my walk and desire to study it.
I’ll cover this more in my response to Maureen, but the local church I attend has quite a lot of older people that often are not very deep into things but rather spend time at church because it is what they are used to. It is very difficult to try to help others grow and be there for each other because they already know everything and know what to do. One thing this has done for me is not let me trust in any of them for godly support, like what I’d like right now. I’m trying one of the few people that I feel I can talk In hopes that I can be straight with him and he talk to me.
Maureen, thank you also for your article. I’m struggling with it because I’m confused with what is an acceptable desire to have. My heart yearns to be there for my family, including my wife, when I have one, as my life is and has always been about serving others. I can’t stand when things are about me because I feel if anything positive happens from me it is actually a result of Gods work in and through me.
To me if just feels like a spouse would be so great to have as a helper and supporter. As a single father, I have so many things to constantly consider and have the pressure of another persons life to make decisions for as well. Having someone there would be great. When serving others, to have that other view point to be mindful of something I hadn’t considered would be great. Having that connection to other person in Christ is but a picture of what we will have in eternity but when I have experienced it, it was great.
Yes, I know I have not trusted God for His timing and purposes. I can’t find that kind to know if it’s ok to have the desire for a spouse and it being what causes me to sin before God but not trusting Him. This is a constant battle. I don’t want to be at war with God over this but I just have a longing that I don’t know is appropriate. I don’t want to have a sinful snare between me and God but it’s wrong to want someone to share my life with as well?
This is my struggle.
And to answer your question in relation to my daughter and having that godly influence. It is not great. People try but my daughter sees through it. She is very intelligent and serves God and grows in her knowledge of Him. I do what I can but I struggle with her as she is becoming a young woman. I won’t lie, this is very difficult lately. My faith and walk is being watched like never before and i know my daughter has seen my struggles as well as my sin. It kills me.February 25, 2020 at 11:06 am #408443
I appreciate your sincere reply. You and I, in fact all of us, have some things in common. First, we live in a fallen world, so we experience loneliness. It is inescapable. Loneliness has two faces. One kind of loneliness is “Adamic” in that we suffer shame, guilt, and fear, among other things, and they make us feel alone in our innermost being. The other is a relational loneliness – not necessarily a spousal relation – but the loneliness we feel when we don’t have community. Here’s an article that you can work through that will help you to better understand it:
Second, we all have desires. Desires in themselves are not necessarily bad, or sinful. It’s when that desire wants to rule us, and we let it, that we step into sin. Your desire for a spouse, on its own, is not causing you to sin. It is how you choose to walk out that desire that can teeter into sin.
You are on the right track, Jgamboa. By God’s mercy, you feel broken. That puts you in a good place to grow in Christ. The article on your thought life has given you great tools to begin to renew your mind. Continue to intentionally take those steps. You may stumble as you learn. It’s okay, keep going. I am so glad you’re here.February 28, 2020 at 7:58 am #408724
I’ve been contemplating your words and the articles that you have shared. The articles on loneliness are hitting the main issues that I feel in my life. I recently spent an evening with an elder at the church I attend and it was there where I felt the lack of community the most. While he was greatly helpful in that he took the time to listen to me, he felt ill-equipped to give me much advice. He felt he couldn’t relate to me. I realize that my life has been incredibly different than his own, but it had brought up the same feelings of being lonely. I felt like I was an alien to a fellow believer. It’s really painful. Painful to see how they react to your situations and how they struggle to understand you.
I believe that having this reaction for so long has only made me long for a spouse even more as I feel that I would have that special person that I would share the most intimate parts of myself and would most likely have them in common with that person. To not have had someone for so long has always made me feel depressed and hopeless. It has always made me question God’s goodness. I didn’t feel it was wrong to desire a godly woman, but for one to never be found, at least where I live, has made me feel abandoned.
Back to my feelings of loneliness from those at my church, has made me think that I need to move away and find that community that my daughter and I need to have in our lives. So, I have been asking family and friend, please feel included in this, help me find a better community to find more Christians to have community with. It is great knowing that people like you are there and responding to me. I greatly appreciate it. It would be nice to share some time together as well. With anyone. Reading those articles gives me hope that there is hope and that there are people to relate to. I’d really like to have that. For myself and my daughter.
Right now, we have the opportunity to consider places to live. The town that we live in is slowly dying and we are being forced to consider moving. So it is a great opportunity to have a positive change in our lives. One that we are both open to. We just don’t know where to go.
By the way, the article on loneliness and hiding behind fig leaves has me pondering a lot as well. I am incredibly introvertedly reflective. And it has caused me to sin a lot. Taking thoughts captive is really hard in capacity. It is an exercise that I am not used to doing as I didn’t think I was doing that. It has been weird to work through. Prayer on understanding and knowing how to work through this better would be greatly appreciated.
But also, thank you all, for your help. I really appreciate you.February 28, 2020 at 1:55 pm #408825
We rejoice in serving you. I am thankful to know that, though it may feel uncomfortable to you, it sounds like you are growing. I see this as God’s grace in your life. You have asked for prayer and a better understanding of taking your thoughts captive. I have and will continue to pray for you. I am going to share an observation with you from your recent post that might sting, yet uncovering it now may help you more in the long run. When I read your post, I noticed that you said “has made me” often. One important part of taking thoughts and feelings captive is to recognize that they belong to you. On that front, I have linked another article, when you’re ready, to help you break down lies and replace them with gospel truths.
Also, as you walk through the opportunity of moving to another area, I urge you to continue working on what we have talked about here. It would be easy to forego this hard work in the busyness of relocating. No matter where or what the Lord calls you to, the skill of taking your thoughts captive will serve Him, you, and your daughter, well.February 29, 2020 at 3:19 pm #408902
Thanks Maureen, I understand what you are saying and thanks for the correction on my thinking.
I will not get lost in my search for a new place to live as I am trying to grow from this. I have prayed for wisdom in this pain and am seeking out as much godly counsel as I possibly can. I have a daughter and need to find that better place for her as well as that community that we both lack.
I thank you all again. I really appreciate all that you do, for me as well as all of those that reaching out to this ministry.March 1, 2020 at 9:25 am #408935
You’re welcome, Jgamboa.
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