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Mable lives with a mean man. His name is Biff. At times, he will curse her for no reason at all. Other times, he will lock her out of the house. A typical day is Biff coming home drunk and threatening her.
Mable lives in fear. She’s afraid to leave, and she’s afraid to stay. During counseling she asked what I thought about “emotional abuse” and if what she was feeling was legitimate.
The second part of her question was easy to answer. Yes, it is legitimate! Absolutely! It is real, painful, and sinful. Her husband is abusing her. It’s objective and not arguable. Mable needs help because her husband is a mean man.
Identifying “emotional abuse” is the uncomplicated part, but the more challenging aspect is precisely understanding what it is from a biblical perspective, which is why I’m addressing the term, “emotional abuse,” in this chapter.
Mable needs more clarity and theological precision about the term, which will help her combat what is happening to her. The term emotional abuse is not the best way to describe what is going on with them. Though what is happening is real, the way she is thinking about it needs more biblical scrutiny.
The actions of an emotional abuser and the effects on the abused cannot be understood or resolved if our primary descriptor of the problem is incorrect. The solution for our problem begins by going through the right door.
The term emotional abuse is not the right door if you want to solve this real, painful, and agonizing problem, like what I have described with Biff and Mable.
Presuppositional apologetics is the theological discipline that teaches how our starting point determines our ending point. If you begin thinking about a problem wrongly, it is impossible to come to an accurate conclusion. For the Christian, our presupposition for all things must be biblio-centric.
Though at times, Christians can come across as the “word police” or nitpicky, it is vital that we understand psychology, which is the “study of the soul.” And nobody can do that better than the biblio-centric Christian because God created the soul (Genesis 2:7), and then He gave us the Word concerning the soul (2 Timothy 3:16-17; Hebrews 4:12-13).
When I was in grade school, my teachers told me about skeletons, monkeys, and men. They went on to show me a pictorial of short monkeys that grew to be taller monkeys. As these monkeys grew taller in time, they began to take on different features that were different from their shorter predecessors.
In the beginning, they had full-blown hairy bodies. As they evolved, their bodies had less hair. At the end of this long line of monkeys, there was a man. They called this process of change evolution. But when I went to Sunday school, I was told that the man at the end of the line came from a different place. They called it creationism.
There were two groups of individuals vying for the right to name what they were observing. We now know that those two names represent antithetical, competing and sometimes hostile worldviews.
The creationist sees a man and a monkey walking and calls it God’s creative wisdom and the Christian gives glory to God. An evolutionist looks at the same monkey and man and says that one evolved from the other in some random way, and he worships the creature instead of the Lord (Romans 1:25).
The secularist and the Christian observe the devastating effects of what most people call emotional abuse and, for the most part, agree on what they are seeing. The secularist coined the expression emotional abuse, with the hope that by naming it, they will have a leg-up on how to think about and respond to it.
If the Christian allows the term emotional abuse to stand without challenge, it is but a short step to follow the world’s solutions, which rarely includes reconciliation, restoration, repentance, or redemption.
Emotional abuse is a misdirection term in that it leads you to the wrong place in your search for answers. What we need is a better descriptor for what is happening to Mable. This idea is not talking about what is happening but how to think about what Biff is doing to her.
The most basic term for what has been called emotional abuse is a sin. Biff is sinning against his wife. I realize the “s” word does not sound as sophisticated to our psychologized ears (Jeremiah 2:13), but it is a much better starting point to think about what is going on in Biff and Mable’s home.
The term “sin” wrestles the argument away from the psychobabble lexicon that is put forth by our anti-Christian world so they can be in charge of the problem. This proper term–sin–also gives us a biblical framework to understand what is going on while allowing us to bring God-centered care to those who are in the middle of such dysfunctional marriages.
Still yet, sin is a big, broad, and general category that encompasses all kinds of evil behavior, including abuse. Sin is a “basket word” that collects all evil actions. That little word is too big and too wide if you want to understand the specifics of emotional abuse.
To understand the problem of emotional abuse correctly, you have to unpack the specific sins associated with the actions that Biff is doing and the effects of his behaviors on Mable.
A fundamental key for Mable is to understand that Biff is not abusing her emotions; they are healthy and in good working order. Her feelings are functioning according to God’s design, and because they are, she can accurately discern what is happening to her.
Normal functioning emotions are emotions that are consistent with the thinking of a person who is emoting. Mable’s feelings are the by-product of her thoughts. Mable is a normal person.
Her emotions are sending signals to her mind, letting her know that her experience is real and she must cry for help. Biff is not abusing her feelings, but he is abusing Mable, and the primary target is her mind that is under attack.
For example, when Biff is yelling at her, Mable’s mind (thoughts) is telling her to fear. To know to respond in fear is a mercy from the Lord. An “emotive fear response” is exactly what should be coming out of her when she is in a situation like this.
Mable is afraid of her husband; she is scared of what he may do next, and her emotions are responding correctly to her logical and accurate thinking. It’s the person who does not know how to emote fear when fear is the right emotion, that is in trouble.
Let’s suppose that I am happy. If I am glad, I will be emoting some form of happiness, e.g., smiling, laughing, gratitude. My emotions are not experiencing abuse, but they are a sign or clue that is telling you what is going on inside of my mind (Luke 6:45).
In Mable’s case what needs addressing are not her emotions, but a biblical way to think about what her feelings are signaling and doing to her mind. Her emotions are putting off an infallible sign that there is something wrong. And if her friends have this kind of discernment, they will mobilize to help her in at least two areas.
After you re-categorize the problem with biblical typology (sin), you will be able to gain a more accurate understanding of what is going on in the home. For example, here is a standard “progression to dysfunction” in Mable’s house.
To help Mable will require a mammoth effort from the body of Christ. There will be some things that she can take control of, but there are other things that need the community of God, as well as a biblical response from Biff.
While the body of Christ is coming alongside Mable to care for her, they must be mobilizing as they cooperate with God to bring Biff to repentance (Matthew 18:15-17).
As you can see, most of the action items have to do with Mable because she is the one seeking help. You can only help those who want it. Biff is not looking to change, which makes it imperative to fortify Mable while mobilizing the community to confront Biff.
This perspective on their problems does not center the help within an emotion framework, but on clear and objective things that are going on in their marriage.
Whether her emotions cause her to feel bad or feel right, they are not the primary thing that needs addressing. Her emotions are perfect, though they serve a vital role: to inform her and the church that she needs their care and Biff needs confrontation and correction.
Several years ago I was in a relationship with a mentor. I rank this experience as one of the top three worst experiences of my life. If the mental health community was assessing the situation, they would fit my trouble within its paradigm of emotional abuse.
They would further tease out their solutions and conclusions from that starting point. They would not teach me how to understand my thinking, how to confront (and possibly reconcile with) a mean individual, how to persevere with God in suffering, or how to make His name great in a horrible situation.
What I learned through this experience is that my emotions were working fine. They signaled to me that my thinking understood the problem well: this man had sinful power over me. This individual was a verbally abusing person who found pleasure in manipulating and hurting people.
My typical responses to him varied from (1) appropriating God’s grace to an unchangeable situation, (2) to sinning profoundly. Some days I was okay, and other days I could not take it any longer. It was emotionally gut-wrenching.
Mable is in a similar situation. On some days she can respond in God-glorifying ways to Biff’s meanness, and on other days she is at her wit’s end, as she does not know what to do. Her emotions aren’t experiencing abuse, but her mind is, and it’s having an adverse effect on her soul.
Sanctify them in the truth; your word is truth. – John 17:17
There are many people like Mable, who are married to spouses who have no desire to love them well. Mable does not have grounds for divorce at this time, which only exacerbates the frustration of living with Biff.
Her abuse is one of the primary reasons I have committed my life to helping people in these kinds of relationships. I do not take what is happening to Mable lightly because I can sympathize with her.
The best thing that could happen to her is to have a courageous, stout, and compassionate friend who would be willing to come alongside her for the long haul. Her husband is hurting her. He is a mean-spirited man who needs the redemptive force of Christ on his life.
Mable must guard her mind against many things, i.e., not to confuse biblical submission (Ephesians 5:22-24) with being a neighbor (Luke 10:25-37). Her husband needs help, and she needs a better man leading her. She should not be silent about what is happening to her. A trap has caught Biff, and he needs individuals sounding the alarms. If possible, Mable needs to be one of those people.
This trap is of Biff’s own making (Galatians 6:1). Mable can love him well if she chooses to bring others into their marriage problems. This response from her can be dicey, especially if the church is inept at helping victims like Mable.
If you are in a marriage like Mable’s, I appeal to you to reach out for help. Let us serve you. Do not be silent. If your emotions are telling you that things are not right in your marriage, listen to what they are signaling to your mind, and learn how to keep your thoughts from captivating you.