How to Change: Chapter 3—How to Change

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If you stay in the world of soul care long enough, one truth will stare you in the face with a stubborn consistency: most Christians do not know how to repent. They know how to feel bad. They know how to confess. They know how to apologize with a sincerity that seems meaningful in the moment. They know how to promise change. But few believers understand the actual process by which God transforms a sinner into a more Christlike person. We know pieces of repentance, moments of remorse, isolated attempts at obedience, and occasional bursts of conviction, but not the doctrine of repentance itself.

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This deficit is not a small matter. It is the reason some Christians spend decades repeating the same sins, hitting the same walls, confessing the same failures, and circling the same mountain without making meaningful progress toward Christlikeness. Biblical repentance is not merely the doorway into the Christian life; it is the pathway of the Christian life. And yet, for reasons both tragic and preventable, repentance remains one of the most misunderstood doctrines in the church.

To correct this, you and I must walk slowly, carefully, humbly through the thirteen-step process Scripture gives us. We must take our time. We must put away the quick-fix mindset, put away the modern impatience for “three steps to a better life,” and submit ourselves to the long, deep surgery required for real change. You will not drift into Christlikeness. You will not wander your way into maturity. The doctrine of repentance must be understood, embraced, practiced, modeled, and multiplied.

The tragedy is that many believers think of repentance as a single act—as the moment you feel conviction, admit guilt, and ask for forgiveness. Imagine walking into a hospital for major surgery and telling the doctor, “Just make one incision and let’s call it a day.” That’s not how surgery works. You don’t cut once and walk out healed. You submit yourself to the full process, trusting the physician to do the painful but necessary work that restores you to health. Repentance is the same. It is the surgery of the soul. And it has thirteen steps.

The Christian life is not defined by escaping hell. The Christian life is defined by learning to walk in holiness today, in the real world, with real pressures, real temptations, and real disappointments. Salvation positions you for change; sanctification practices it. You were born again once, but you are shaped again and again and again for the rest of your life. This is why the doctrine of repentance is not academic. It is the essential framework for the normal Christian life. You cannot mature without it. You cannot love well without it. You cannot reconcile relationships without it. You cannot shepherd others without it. And you certainly cannot please God apart from it.

Martin Luther understood this when he nailed his Ninety-Five Theses to the church door in Wittenberg. His very first point—number one on a list that would ignite a global reformation—was this: “When our Lord and Master Jesus Christ said, ‘Repent,’ He intended that the entire life of believers should be repentance.” Luther wasn’t exaggerating. The sad truth is that many Christians collapse under the weight of that sentence rather than experiencing its joy. They hear the word repentance and think God is asking them to live in morbid introspection, perpetual guilt, and constant self-condemnation. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Biblical repentance is not a call to shame; it is a call to freedom. It is the gift of grace extended to weak and wandering people who desperately need rescue. God is not crushing you with repentance. He is liberating you with it. The Bible’s message is clear: repentance saves, and repentance sanctifies. Conversion is the first great act of repentance; a lifetime of transformation follows. If you have been saved, repentance is not behind you; it is beneath you. It is the foundation on which your spiritual growth rests. Like a runner who continually breathes in oxygen, the Christian continually breathes in repentance. Without it, the soul suffocates.

Let me bring it even closer. Think about your last conflict with your spouse. Think about your last outburst with your child. Think about your most recent disappointment, fear, resentment, lust, jealousy, or grief. Every one of those moments required repentance. Not the cheap kind. Not the “I’m sorry, okay? Can we move on?” kind. Not the “My bad” kind. But the kind that actually transforms relationships, restores unity, changes habits, and reshapes the heart. Most people don’t know how to do that. They don’t know why their apologies fall flat. They don’t grasp why cycles of sin persist. It’s because they don’t know the doctrine of repentance.

Step One — Sin
The thirteen-step process of repentance begins where all change must begin—with sin. Not mistakes. Not missteps. Not miscommunication. Not personality struggles. Sin. The Bible refuses to soften the word, and so must we. You cannot repent of things you have not identified. The first step is recognizing the precise nature of what you have done. That means you must learn the biblical vocabulary of sin. You must learn to think as Scripture thinks. When you say, “I’m frustrated,” the Bible says, “You are angry.” When you say, “I’m anxious,” Scripture says, “You are not trusting God.” When you say, “I just like things a certain way,” the Bible says, “You are demanding.” When you say, “I’m disappointed in them,” Scripture says, “You are bitter.” The modern Christian has developed a sophisticated language of self-protection, a vocabulary that disguises sin rather than exposing it. And as long as sin stays disguised, repentance stays dormant. The believer who wants to change must begin with ruthless honesty. You cannot repent if you refuse to see yourself as God sees you. Thus, humility to see yourself clearly is key.

Step Two — Guilt
Once sin has occurred, guilt is automatic. Whether you feel it or not, guilt exists objectively because sin exists objectively. God’s holiness defines that reality, not your emotions. The danger is that many Christians use their emotional state as the barometer of guilt. If they feel bad, they think they are guilty. If they feel nothing, they assume innocence. But emotions are not the standard. God is. You can be guilty and feel nothing. That’s the danger of a dull conscience. You can be innocent and feel guilty. That’s the danger of a tender conscience. The Word of God is the only accurate measuring stick. Understanding guilt biblically protects you from both despair and denial. Unfelt guilt is deadly because it lulls you into a false sense of peace. You think you are fine when you are not. You think your relationships are okay when they aren’t. You think you’ve made peace with God when you’ve merely silenced conviction. This is why step two matters: you must let God define reality. If He says you are guilty, you are guilty, no matter how comfortable you feel.

Step Three — Conviction
Conviction is not condemnation. Conviction is kindness. Conviction is God’s pursuit, not His punishment. Conviction is the Spirit saying, “I love you too much to let you continue down this path.” One of the most terrifying realities in the Christian life is not when God convicts you but when He stops. A hardened heart is not the result of too much conviction; it is the result of consistently ignored conviction. When you feel the prick of conscience, the stab of truth, the sting of the Spirit’s rebuke, don’t resist it. Don’t explain it away. Fall on it. Thank God for it. Let it drive you to repentance. Every believer must develop a high view of conviction. It is the alarm system of the soul. It is God’s way of getting your attention before destruction takes over. It is the divine interruption that saves your marriage, heals your relationships, protects your conscience, and anchors your sanctification.

Step Four — Confession
Confession is the first active step in the repentance process. It is when you stop resisting the truth and begin embracing it. To confess means to say the same thing God says—to agree with His assessment. Confession is not “I’m sorry,” or “I didn’t mean it,” or “I shouldn’t have done that.” Confession is: “I sinned, and You are right.” The difference between confession and regret is the difference between life and death. Regret is self-centered. Confession is God-centered. Regret says, “I feel bad.” Confession says, “I am wrong.” Regret keeps you stuck in yourself. Confession lifts your eyes to the God you have offended. And here’s something crucial many Christians never understand: confession must always match the scope of the offense. If you sinned only against God, confess to God. If you sinned against God and a person, confess to both. Partial confession is partial repentance. Full confession is the doorway to full restoration.

Step Five — Pre-Forgiveness
If repentance were simply about you confessing and someone else forgiving, we could stop the doctrine here. But because sin never happens in a vacuum, repentance must always factor in relationships, and relationships are never symmetrical. One person may be ready to confess, while the other may be unwilling to forgive. One may want restoration, while the other is still stuck in anger, fear, or distrust. This is where the concept of pre-forgiveness becomes essential. Pre-forgiveness is not a common word, but it is a profoundly biblical reality. It describes the posture of a heart that stands ready to forgive even before forgiveness is requested. It mirrors the heart of Christ, who did not wait for us to repent before positioning Himself to forgive us. Pre-forgiveness enabled Joseph to weep with joy when he saw his brothers, rather than retaliate with vengeance. It is what allowed Jesus to say, “Father, forgive them,” while soldiers hammered nails through His wrists.

Pre-forgiveness is the internal, unseen work that prepares the soul for reconciliation. It means you remove the poison of bitterness before it hardens. You loosen the soil of your heart so forgiveness can take root. You surrender your hurt to God long before the offender makes anything right. Many otherwise sincere attempts at repentance collapse because this step is neglected. A repentant spouse comes with humility, but the offended spouse has not processed her bitterness. She may say she forgives, but her posture betrays a heart that still clutches the offense. Confession meets a locked door. Restoration stalls. Resentment deepens. Pre-forgiveness removes that obstacle. It frees the offended person from being a prisoner of someone else’s sin. It prepares the soil of the soul so that genuine forgiveness can bloom when confession is offered.

Step Six — Forgiveness
The assumption is that the offender has already received God’s forgiveness. Asking a human for forgiveness when you have not asked God mocks the doctrine. And no human can forgive what the Lord has not forgiven first. If the offender has not received God’s forgiveness, the best the offended can do is live out a heart of pre-forgiveness, waiting for the offender to find God’s release so they can truly release them.

Forgiveness is one of the most misunderstood words in the Christian vocabulary. Some think it means forgetting the offense. Others think it minimizes the seriousness of sin. Still others think forgiveness must only happen if the offender totally “deserves” it. Biblically, forgiveness is far simpler and far more profound: forgiveness is releasing a person from the debt their sin created. When someone sins against you, a relational debt emerges. Something was taken from you—peace, trust, safety, dignity, relational harmony, and emotional stability. The instinct of the flesh is to demand repayment. If they made you feel small, you make them feel small. If they offended you, you offend them back. If they withheld love, you withhold warmth. Humans instinctively seek retribution.

Forgiveness breaks that cycle. It says, “You owe me something because of your sin, but I release you from that debt. I will not make you pay. I will not retaliate. I will not weaponize this moment in the future. I hand the entire case over to God.” Forgiveness is not pretending the offense didn’t happen. It is not erasing the memory. It is not instant trust. It is the deliberate act of releasing your right to revenge. It is the offended person’s contribution to reconciliation—equally as necessary as confession. When Biff confesses his sinful anger toward Mable, he has taken one step. But unless Mable releases the debt, the sin remains between them. The bridge stays broken. Only forgiveness paves the way forward.

Step Seven — Post-Forgiveness
Forgiveness is the moment debt is released. Post-forgiveness is the ongoing demonstration that the debt truly is gone. You know forgiveness has taken root when the sin can be spoken of without hostility. With post-forgiveness, the relationship breathes freely again. You no longer have to tiptoe around the issue. You can talk about the sin like two people who learned something together rather than two combatants dragging up old charges. Post-forgiveness is the transformation of the relational atmosphere. It means the peace established by forgiveness is now the new normal. Imagine a husband and wife who have gone through deep conflict. Forgiveness was granted, but now they are navigating life again. Weeks later, a stressful moment arises. The forgiven offense comes back into view, not as ammunition but as a reminder of grace: “We worked through that. God met us. We can trust Him again.” That tone is evidence of post-forgiveness.

Step Eight — Reconciliation
Reconciliation means relational peace, not yet relational progress. It is the moment when two estranged people return to unity. The wall between them comes down. The cold silence dissolves. Distance gives way to togetherness. But reconciliation does not mean the relationship is fully healthy. It means it is finally safe. The bleeding has stopped, but the healing is not complete. Too many couples and friends stop here. They think reconciliation means restoration, but they are not the same. Reconciliation is the doorway; restoration is the rebuilding. Still, reconciliation matters profoundly. It is where the tension lifts, where sighs replace accusations, where warmth replaces suspicion. It is the return of relational proximity. Without reconciliation, there is no future. With reconciliation, there is the possibility of a renewed one.

Step Nine — Restoration
If confession and forgiveness are emotional, restoration is practical. Restoration is about building new habits, establishing new patterns, replacing old instincts, and forming a different relational culture. Think of restoration as the renovation of a damaged house. Confession is identifying the rot. Forgiveness is clearing out the debris. Reconciliation is opening the door. But restoration is where the hammer meets the nails, where the beams are replaced, where the structure is made sound again. Biff and Mable must now examine the cycles that kept repeating in their marriage. They must be honest about their triggers. They must confess long-standing patterns. They must break unhealthy routines and build new ones. They must talk openly about expectations, temptations, communication styles, spiritual rhythms, and practical responsibilities. Restoration is where most people grow weary because it requires time, humility, courage, and persistence. It is one thing to say, “I’m sorry.” It is another to say, “I must be different.” Restoration means addressing the root causes, not just the fruit behaviors. It is bringing the problem into the light and trusting God to help you construct something stronger than what was lost.

Step Ten — Putting Off
Putting off is the active, ongoing removal of sinful habits. It is the practical warfare of the Christian life. Paul calls it mortification—killing sin before it kills you (Romans 8:13). You cannot repent without renouncing the patterns that created the problem in the first place. If Biff’s primary sin pattern is anger, “putting off” might include: refusing to let irritation fester, walking away when his spirit begins to flare, identifying entitlement patterns, confessing irritation early, and refusing to justify harsh tones. Putting off is not behavior modification; it is the act of starving sinful instincts. It is saying, “That habit does not get to live here anymore.”

Step Eleven — Renewing the Mind
The hinge—the turning point—of all repentance is the renewal of the mind. Behavior never changes permanently until belief changes fundamentally. You cannot white-knuckle your way into holiness, or outperform your theology. Renewing the mind means replacing sinful beliefs with biblical ones. It means confronting lies with truth. It means meditating on Scripture until it rewrites your instincts. You’re asking, “What must I believe differently about God, about myself, or about this situation in order to respond differently next time?” If anger arises from a belief that “I deserve better,” repentance requires adopting the belief that “God is sovereign, good, wise, and kind, even when I am inconvenienced.” If fear arises from a belief that “I must control everything,” repentance teaches the heart to say, “God controls everything, and He loves me.” If bitterness arises from a belief that “I cannot trust God with justice,” repentance teaches, “Vengeance belongs to the Lord.” Renewal is what makes repentance lasting. It is the overhaul of the inner world. It is the Spirit reshaping desires, motivations, values, and expectations. Without renewal, repentance is, at best, temporary self-improvement.

Step Twelve — Putting On
Putting on is the positive replacement of righteousness. It is not merely stopping sin but building virtue. It is practicing patience rather than irritation, generosity rather than selfishness, honesty rather than deceit, and kindness rather than cutting words. Putting on transforms the repentant person into a blessing. It is not only the removal of poison but the cultivation of health. It is the evidence that grace is not merely removing sin but producing fruit. The Christian who puts on righteousness becomes an entirely different presence in their relationships. They are not just safe; they are strengthening. They are not just avoiding old patterns; they are creating a new relational culture.

Step 13 — Discipling Others
Repentance is not complete until it overflows. If repentance ends with you, it is incomplete. God transforms you so He can use you to transform others. Your restoration becomes someone else’s hope, their roadmap, and their invitation. This is why Paul told the Ephesians that the thief who once stole must now work—not merely so he can stop stealing, but so “he may have something to share.” Transformation turns takers into givers, sinners into servants, wanderers into shepherds. The final proof that repentance has worked deeply is that you are now able and eager to help someone else walk the same road.

Call to Action

You have just walked through the thirteen-step doctrine of repentance. These are not academic categories. They are the daily oxygen of the Christian life. There is a difference between Christians who grow for decades and Christians who stay stuck for decades. So now it is your turn to respond.

1. Where do you see yourself in this process? Are you stuck at the exposure of sin? At conviction? At partial confession? At forgiveness given or forgiveness withheld? At shallow reconciliation that never leads to restoration? Are you struggling to put off? To renew your mind? To put on? To disciple others? Please explain.
2. Who in your life has been hurt by your incomplete repentance? Whose soul has carried the weight of your underdeveloped confession? Whose faith has been tested because your repentance never matured into restoration?
3. Where is the Spirit pricking you today? What is He calling you to name biblically?
4. Who do you need to talk to this week? Is there someone to whom you owe an honest confession? Someone toward whom you must practice pre-forgiveness? Someone you must forgive, or forgive again? Someone you must reconcile with? Someone you must restore?
5. Will you walk the full thirteen-step path, not the convenient two-step shortcut? Repentance is costly. But unrepentance is deadly. Which path will you choose?

Do not read this chapter and move on. Sit with it. Pray through it. Ask God to reveal what you cannot see. Then act. Start the process today—and let humility lead the way.

Final Exhortation

You do not repent because you are strong. You repent because you are His. Repentance is not the evidence of failure; it is the evidence of adoption. It is the Father training His children. It is the Spirit sanctifying His saints. It is the Son shaping His bride. You are not beyond help. You are not beyond change. You are not beyond hope. But you are beyond self-rescue. The doctrine of repentance is God’s mercy pulling you out of yourself and into Christ. It is the long obedience of holiness. It is the slow work of grace. And it is the only path that leads to freedom, intimacy, maturity, and peace. Walk it humbly. Walk it honestly. Walk it repeatedly. And keep walking until others follow you.

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Rick Thomas

Rick launched the Life Over Coffee global training network in 2008 to bring hope and help for you and others by creating resources that spark conversations for transformation. His primary responsibilities are resource creation and leadership development, which he does through speaking, writing, podcasting, and educating.

In 1990 he earned a BA in Theology and, in 1991, a BS in Education. In 1993, he received his ordination into Christian ministry, and in 2000 he graduated with an MA in Counseling from The Master’s University. In 2006 he was recognized as a Fellow of the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors (ACBC).