How to Change: Chapter 6—Five Things to Know

The question of this book is, “How can I change?” It’s one of the most honest and necessary questions a Christian can ask, and one of the most mishandled. We often default to half-truths that sound spiritual but short-circuit sanctification: “Let go and let God.” That’s quietism—piety without participation. “Look out for number one.” That’s selfism—self-protection masquerading as wisdom. “Let your conscience be your guide.” That’s sentimentalism—trusting a voice that may be uninformed, offended, or hardened. The gospel offers a better way.

Chapter 1: Resist Dullness	Chapter 4: How Do I Know I’m Changed	Chapter 7: Eight Sequential Steps
Chapter 2: Making Life Hard on Yourself	Chapter 5: Two Essentials for Change	Chapter 8: Will I Ever Be Free?
Chapter 3: How to Change	Chapter 6: Five Things to Know	Chapter 9: What Is Christian Maturity?

Jesus didn’t merely come to make you forgiven; He came to make you new. He sought and saved the lost (Luke 19:10) and is conforming them to His image (Romans 8:29). The Christian life is not a cul-de-sac where grace ends; it’s a highway where grace travels—day after day, year after year—until we see Him face to face. So, how do we actually change? Scripture presents a coherent vision called progressive sanctification: a Spirit-empowered, lifelong process of becoming like Christ in thought, desire, word, and deed. God has not left us groping in the dark; He has provided five means of grace: five coordinated channels through which He brings real, lasting transformation:

1. God (the Initiator and Sustainer),
2. The Bible (the Instrument),
3. Ourselves (the Participant),
4. Situations (the Refiners), and
5. Friends (the Community).

Each is necessary; together they harmonize. Remove any one, and spiritual growth is hindered. Let’s explore these five with clarity and courage.

1: God Changes Us

Every God-honoring change begins with God Himself. He is not a distant evaluator of your progress; He is the Author and Finisher of your faith (Hebrews 12:2). The New Testament describes repentance as a gift: “God may perhaps grant them repentance…” (2 Timothy 2:25). “Then to the Gentiles also God has granted repentance that leads to life” (Acts 11:18). Grace initiates, awakens, convicts, and empowers. But grace does not make participation unnecessary; it makes participation possible. Divine sovereignty and human responsibility are not enemies; they’re dance partners.

Many believers pray for years and feel like nothing is changing. James diagnoses part of this tension: “You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions” (James 4:3). Sometimes we ask for transformation that reduces discomfort rather than increases Christlikeness. God’s “delays” are not apathy; they’re surgery. He’s not ignoring you; He’s aligning you. Perhaps beginning your day with a prayer like this will help:

Prayer to Begin Your Day:

Father, I want transformation on Your terms. Grant me repentance where I’m blind, strength where I’m weak, and joy in obedience. Reorder my loves so that what You want is what I want. In Jesus’ name, amen.

God’s role in change is primary: He calls, convicts, comforts, and carries. Start with Him every time.

2: The Bible Changes Us

If God is the source of change, the Word is His scalpel. It discerns thoughts and intentions (Hebrews 4:12), renews the mind (Romans 12:2), births faith (Romans 10:17), and equips for every good work (2 Timothy 3:16–17). The Spirit uses Scripture to move truth from your eyes to your mind, from your mind to your heart, and from your heart to your habits. Adopt this fivefold rhythm (it’s simple enough to repeat, sturdy enough to reshape your days):

1. Pray: Before opening the Bible, invite the Spirit to open you (Psalm 119:18).
2. Read: Read expectantly, not mechanically. Imagine yourself mining for gold (Job 23:12).
3. Reflect: When the Spirit illuminates something, stop and think. Ask, “What does this show me about God, my heart, my relationships?”
4. Write: Record insights and applications. Writing helps truth “stick.”
5. Teach: Share one insight daily at your table, in a text, with a friend. The teacher learns the most.

Add memorization and meditation to the rhythm. Memorization stores Scripture in the heart; meditation warms it there, turning it into worship and wisdom. A Scripture-saturated mind is resilient when temptation, discouragement, or confusion arrive.

How the Word Works

• Tempted to anger? Proverbs 15:1 softens the spirit: “A soft answer turns away wrath.”
• Tempted to despair? Romans 8:1 anchors identity: “No condemnation for those in Christ.”
• Tempted to hide? 1 John 1:7–9 invites honesty: walk in the light and receive cleansing.
• The Bible is not a distant manual; it’s a present miracle. Open it with hunger and humility.

3: We Change Ourselves

This heading can feel provocative, but it simply honors Scripture’s imperatives. Grace empowers effort. God works in you so you can work out what He wills (Philippians 2:12–13). New Testament commands assume Spirit-enabled obedience:

“Put off your old self” (Ephesians 4:22).

“Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths” (Ephesians 4:29).

“Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another” (Ephesians 4:32).

Tim Keller captured the tension wisely— “God’s mercy comes to us without conditions, but does not proceed without our cooperation.” Grace is not opposed to effort; it’s opposed to earning. We often expect counseling, sermons, or retreats to do the heavy lifting. God can and does use those moments, but the arena of change is the ordinary week:

• The moment you feel slighted and choose to bless rather than bite.
• The evening you confess impatience to your spouse instead of defending it.
• The meeting where you tell the truth, even when it costs.
• The temptation you flee because you pre-decided to run.

A counseling hour might be 60 minutes; your week holds 10,000+ minutes. Which minutes determine your transformation? The ones in the wild, where you either practice what you’ve learned or postpone it again. Choose one small, specific behavior this week:

• “I will speak one sentence of encouragement to each child every day.”
• “I will confess irritation within 10 minutes, not 10 hours.”
• “I will turn my phone off at dinner and ask one heart question.”

Small, faithful steps create holy grooves in the soul. The Spirit runs on those rails.

4: Situations Change Us

Joseph’s “it” (Genesis 50:20) was more than a moment; it was a mosaic of suffering: betrayal, slavery, false accusation, imprisonment. Yet as the chapters unfold, Joseph’s God grows larger, his reactions become calmer, and his wisdom deepens. Suffering did not automatically sanctify him; his response to suffering did. Your suffering will work similarly.

• A prolonged illness that limits energy and rattles plans.
• A career detour that threatens identity and security.
• A relational rupture that forces you to face your own fears, control, or envy.
• A criticism that bruises pride and tests gentleness.
• A quiet season where God feels silent, and you must live on what He has already said.

We don’t choose our “it,” but we will choose how we interpret it. Either we see situations as obstacles to our joy or as opportunities for it. Joseph learned to ask a different question: not “How do I get out of this?” but “How is God at work in this?”

• Geographically: God moved Joseph to Egypt to position him for impact. Your relocation—wanted or unwanted—may be strategic in ways you can’t yet see.
• Vocationally: From slave to steward to statesman—each station forged new skills. Your job’s constraints might be the forge of your character.
• Relationally: Joseph transformed from a favored son who lacked tact to a servant-leader who reconciled a broken family.
• Spiritually: The God of Joseph’s dreams became the God of Joseph’s days. Affliction matured imagination into endurance.

Your story will differ, but the principle remains: circumstances don’t make you; your worship in them does. You will be changed. The question is which direction. When the criticism stings, pause and ask: “What truth in this do I need for my growth?” When the outcome disappoints—pray: “Father, align my desires with Yours more than my circumstances with mine.” When the door shuts—say: “God is not smaller because this door is. He must have another.” This posture is not denial; it’s discipleship in real time.

5: Friends Change Us

When David hid, God sent Nathan (2 Samuel 12). When Paul despaired, God sent Titus (2 Corinthians 7). When the early church faltered, God sent Barnabas—the son of encouragement (Acts 11). Sanctification is personal but never private. God sanctifies a people together. There are several reasons we need others.

• Mirror: Friends reflect what you can’t see. Blind spots remain blind until someone turns on the light.
• Motivation: Community spurs love and good deeds (Hebrews 10:24–25). We imitate one another’s faith.
• Mercy: We need gentle restoration when caught in sin (Galatians 6:1–2).
• Mutuality: One member’s gifts comfort another’s weakness (1 Corinthians 12).

Some of God’s best gifts wear human faces. But the community requires permission. Your friends cannot help you change if they are never invited to speak. Ask yourself: “How do I respond when corrected?” If your first reflex is defensiveness, you’re protecting an idol. Repent not only of the offense but of the self-protection that refuses rescue. Build yourself a Nathan Network. Identify three types of people:

1. One older person who has permission to correct you (mentor).
2. One peer who regularly compares notes with you (friend).
3. One younger person whom you encourage (disciple).

Receiving and giving truth keeps your heart soft and your life fruitful.

Why We Stall

Before the final section, let’s name a few common roadblocks that keep sincere believers from sustained transformation:

• Selective Surrender: “Lord, change me—except in that room of my heart.”
• Event-Based Spirituality: Hoping for one breakthrough to do what daily habits must.
• Outcome Idolatry: Willing to obey only if God grants the ending you envision.
• Lone Ranger Christianity: Hiding behind “me and Jesus” to avoid correction.
• Teaching Without Training: Knowing truths you have not practiced.
• Shame Storylines: Believing your past disqualifies you from present growth.
• Hurry: Moving too fast to meditate, confess, reconcile, and obey.

Grace addresses all seven: grace says all of you, day by day, on My terms—not yours, with My people, in practice, fully forgiven, at My pace.

Mable’s Week of Change

Mable loves Jesus but feels stuck—critical at home, irritable at work, and cynical in her small group. She decides to engage all five means of grace intentionally for one week.

1. God: Each morning, she prays, “Father, conform me to Christ more than You conform circumstances to me.”
2. Bible: She reads Colossians 3 slowly; “put on compassionate hearts” catches her. She writes it on a card and memorizes it.
3. Self: She sets one micro-obedience: “I will speak one compassionate sentence to each coworker I typically avoid.”
4. Situation: A client snaps at her. She breathes, remembers her verse, and chooses a soft answer. The tension dissolves.
5. Friends: She texts her small group leader: “I want to be more compassionate this week. Please ask me how it’s going on Friday.”

By Friday, the world hasn’t changed, but Mable has. She’s not perfect; she’s practicing. The compassion she put on externally on Monday feels more internal by Friday. Tiny faithfulness re-strings the instrument of the heart. That’s how transformation sounds in ordinary time.

Integrating the Five: A 30-Day Plan

• Week 1: God: Pray Psalm 139:23–24 daily—journal one conviction and one comfort each day.
• Week 2: Bible: Use the Pray–Read–Reflect–Write–Teach rhythm in Philippians 2. Memorize 2:12–13.
• Week 3: Self: Choose two micro-obediences (speech and time). Track them daily.
• Week 4: Situations & Friends: Before reacting to difficulty, ask: “How can I glorify God here?” Share one story each week with a friend; invite feedback.

Small, repeatable steps are stronger than grand resolutions. Grace loves a steady walker.

Frequently Misunderstood

Q: Isn’t all this just self-improvement with Christian language?
A: No. Self-improvement centers on self; sanctification centers on Christ. The power is the Spirit, the standard is the Word, the fuel is grace, and the fruit is love.

Q: If God grants repentance, why try?
A: Because He grants repentance through means—prayer, Word, obedience, circumstances, and community. Your trying is not competing with grace; it’s cooperating with it.

Q: What if I fail—again?
A: You will. The question is not whether you stumble but whether you return quickly. Practice short accounts with God and others. Repentance is not a one-time doorway; it’s your daily hallway.

Call to Action

Work these questions slowly over the next week. Journal, pray, and—crucially—share at least one response with a trusted friend.

1. God: The Initiator
   1. Prayer Alignment: What change are you asking from God, and why? Rewrite your request to prioritize Christlikeness over comfort.
   2. Motive Check: Where might you be asking “wrongly” (James 4:3)? Name one mixed motive. Confess it specifically.
2. Bible: The Instrument
   1. Scripture Rhythm: For seven days, practice Pray–Read–Reflect–Write–Teach. What changed in your heart or habits? Be specific—name a conversation where Scripture shaped your words.
   2. Memory Verse: Choose one verse that confronts your most persistent sin. Write it, carry it, say it three times daily. Where did it interrupt your reflex this week?
3. Self: The Participant
   1. Micro-Obedience: Pick one small, measurable step (speech, time, money, phone, food, confession). Put it on your calendar. Tell someone. What resistance did you feel? What joy?
   2. Repentance Rhythm: Each evening, practice a 5-minute examen—Confess, Thank, Ask. What patterns emerged across the week?
4. Situations: The Refiners
   1. Reframe a Hard Thing: Identify one difficult circumstance. List what it exposes (fear, control, envy). Now write how you will glorify God in it this week (patience, generosity, truth-telling, prayer).
   2. Gospel Irony: Journal one paragraph: “What others meant for evil, God is using for good in me by ________.” Share it with a friend who needs encouragement.
5. Friends: The Community
   1. Invite a Nathan: Who has permission to correct you? If no one asks, ask one mature believer to assume that role for three months. Schedule your first check-in.
   2. Encourage a David: Who needs strengthening this week? Send a specific, Scripture-shaped encouragement. Ask how you can pray—and then do it.

Integration & Accountability

Five-Point Audit: Rate each means of grace (God, Bible, Self, Situations, Friends) from 1–10. Circle the lowest. What single action will raise that number by two points this month?
Testimony Time: Write a 150-word testimony describing one way God changed you this month through these means. Read it aloud to your group or spouse. Thanksgiving cements transformation.

Closing Prayer

Father, You are the Author of my life and the Master of my change. Thank You for the cross that forgives, the Spirit who empowers, the Word that renews, the circumstances that refine, and the friends who restore. Teach me to cooperate with Your grace—quick to confess, eager to obey, ready to receive correction, and willing to persevere. Make me like Jesus in ordinary places, on ordinary days, through ordinary faithfulness. For Your glory and the good of Your people, amen.

Bringing It Home

God initiates. The Word instructs. You respond. Circumstances refine. Friends support and correct. These steps are how ordinary believers become unusually Christlike—how kitchens and cubicles become sanctuaries, and how stumbling saints learn to walk with a steady gait. Change is not magic; it’s mercy practiced. And mercy, practiced over time, looks like a life you could not have built and a heart you could not have imagined—formed by the grace of God, through the means of God, for the glory of God.

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